Holding

You know

She said

You lose more sand the harder you try to hold onto it

I felt baffled

Because

At 19 I had never heard of such things

And the concept of self-awareness was still far out of my reach.

But now looking back --

And seeing what is now --

I can recognize the ways in which 

I have kept grasping

Only to come up empty.

My sense of perfection has little to do with wholeness

And instead futilely attempts to fill the "hole"-ness within me.

Twenty years later

I am left to ponder the question

"What does it look like to let go?"

I hold on even as the infinitesimally tiny specks escape between my fingers,

And all that is left is the fear and anxiety I started with.

But then I try again

And this time I breathe

And I open 

To hold

Vulnerability, resilience, courage

Forgiveness

Grace.

I hold more but the weight is lighter.

I now see that it's more of a choice than an instinct or a reaction.

I can choose between

Right or relationship

Fear or connection

Control or freedom.

Yet even as I know this

There is still a part of me

That struggles to unfurl her grip.

On my better days

 I can meet her face to face

And offer the grace she rarely received

Hold her small hand in mine

And let her know

That when she's ready...

She can let go. 

Part(s) of Me

 Part of me wants to go back and stop myself from following the treacherous path of curiosity that led to finding the news that broke me from sleeping that night. 

Part of me wants to stop caring -- to not care. 

You were never mine anyway. 

Part of me is the bigger person & sends blessings and well wishes & hopes only for your happiness. 

Part of me rages and wants to lock eyes during a serendipitous meeting 

Just so you can feel my burning --

You did this -- 

Or to offer some vicious comeback to an innocuous question. 

Part of me wonders why I care at all

And part of me wonders WHY

Would God or the Universe or whatever Giant Force

Leave crumbs of you in my path, hinting at a feast,

But only leading to desert.

Part of me wants to fix it and make it make sense without the pain. 

Part of me wonders when this will stop

And part of me wants to let go. 

Part of me says to "just wait" and to remember that I don't know how the story ends...

And the other part of me screams "Bullshit!"

Part of me carries the song of you within me

And remembers how your touch felt and how

I couldn't sleep that one night from pure joy & delight

And part of me remembers how it all mysteriously vanished. 

Part of me knows that this will not last and that

I will

Move out from underneath the heaviness

And slowly rise

And ground my feet in my worth

And remember that you were a visitor

Along the way.