A year ago today, I wrote about my coming in to finding my theme for the year: Seek joy. You know that old adage of things being easier said than done? Yeah, well it turns out that applied to this as well...in a lot of ways. Nevertheless, I think it's still worth reflecting on how this all went and what I gained from it.
First off, similar to other years when I had a certain theme, I found that the word "joy" kept popping up everywhere -- on signs, books (see my previous post re: Mary Oliver), even in Brene Brown's Netflix special ("The Call to Courage"). Maybe I was just paying more attention to it because it was my theme, but I still can't help but think it was somewhat serendipitous, just a little.
Second, I came into contact with the phrase "The Devil's working overtime." You ever have a goal in mind and it just seems like so many obstacles get thrown in your way to keep you from accomplishing it? That's basically what happened during the first part of this year. I aimed to seek joy and I kept finding stress, sadness, and heartache. Work was awful, my dating life sucked, and then to top it off my grandmother died before a third of the year was through. Devil. Working. Overtime.
And then, after not even being halfway through the year, my wallet was stolen. While I was in the midst of a very joy filled conversation about my sense of calling in life, no less. Fuck. But, strangely, this was a turning point. Because it was on that day, before said wallet was stolen, that I had resolved to start a gratitude journal. One of the points Brene Brown made in her talk was that people who are joyful all share one thing in common -- gratitude. So I decided to start making lists in a journal, as often as I could. And it just so happens that it started on the day I felt the most vulnerable, violated, and helpless.
What's interesting is that I didn't feel forced to start the journal even after what happened that day. Instead, it was because of what happened that I felt even more motivated to start it, because I had so much to be grateful for. Everything from the sun shining on my face that morning to the above mentioned conversation, from the staff at the cafe who were so helpful and generous to recognizing everything I already had, despite what I had lost. This was the beginning of what I see now as my life long journey of seeking joy.
No, I haven't been perfect with my gratitude journal, nor have I suddenly transformed into a semi-permanent happy and joyful person. Dude, sometimes life just sucks. It's hard to be joyful in such a hurting world. It's hard to be joyful when you've had a bad day or when you're reminded of what you don't have...or when your cat decides to attack your arm when all you want to do is cuddle with her. (Sorry, I digress...) But what I have noticed is the difference I experience when I do write down what I'm grateful for, even if it's just five things. I feel calmer and less cynical. I'm not minimizing my own struggles or the pain that I and/or those in the world experience, either. I just feel more balanced and less stuck. Maybe that's part of what joy looks like.
Joy is an option, just like anything else. But it takes work to choose it, because to do so is to be more vulnerable. There's no risk when you're feeling cynical and bitter...you're protected then. But to have joy is to risk having it be taken away. Then again, maybe that's why what's underlying the joy is gratitude -- the recognition of the fact that life is fleeting, so it's important to enjoy what we already have right now. But it's not based in fear or anxiety, either.
One of the things I most often write down in my lists is my cat, Ashley (even when she's been a pain in the butt or bites me without cause). I mention her because, for one, I am truly grateful to have her as my companion, but also because I know that, someday, I won't have her anymore. I know someday I'll miss not telling her for the 100th time to get off the counter, or I'll miss not hearing her little bell or her meow throughout the house. I know it sounds so cliche or insignificant, but I truly think this is what gratitude can look like to an extent.
Seeking joy isn't about seeking that next high or extraordinary event (though I have to say that meeting one of my favorite poets and theologians, Padraig O Tuama, and seeing a live recording of On Being with Krista Tippet and Shane Claiborne, were definitely some highlights for the year). It's about the ability to stay present and recognize the good that already exists, in whatever form that takes. And yes, sometimes it is about seeking out those experiences that will give us a sense of happiness and belonging, especially when doing so causes our comfort zones to be expanded. Overall, though, it's taking in the good, no matter how fleeting, and giving thanks. It's so simple, but so challenging, especially in this consumer culture of ours where we're constantly told we're not enough or we don't have enough or we don't have enough of the right things. It really is like seeking out a high, and it's probably one of the reasons why we're often so unhappy in our romantic partnerships -- we're hooked on the dopamine of romance instead of being committed to the people we're choosing.
Joy isn't dopamine or some permanently happy state that can't be taken away. Joy is a choice, and it's a state of being. It's a practice of gratitude. It's a practice, period. For most of us, anyway. I came into this year hoping to seek joy, and I found it. Over and over and over. I found other things, too -- loss, pain, sadness, heartache, stress, depression, rejection. But I think the important thing was that I was able to recognize what joy can look like and how to integrate it more into my life. So, it is in this way, that I will always be seeking joy.
