Where Were You

The following are the lyrics to a song by Sweet Talk Radio called "Where Were You":

I am throwing punches in the air
I can sweat and curse but nobody's there
You said you'd find me no matter how I got lost
Where were you when I needed you most

I am standing at the corner again
Watching two roads cross, twist and bend
You stood behind me no matter which way I chose
Where were you when I needed you most
Where were you when I needed you most

It is easy to lie together at night
In the darkness, trouble is easy to hide
You said you'd stay here until the daylight rose
Where were you when I needed you most
Where were you when I needed you most


I first heard this song in an episode of Joan of Arcadia, which was incidentally featured in my previous post "Connection".  In case you missed it, you can see it here.  When I first looked at the lyrics, and put it within the context of the Joan clip, I thought that the song was about feeling God's abandonment.  I think you'd be hard put to find a believer who hasn't felt God's absence at one point or another, and so the song seemed apt for that kind of experience. 


Looking at it from another perspective, it could also very well be read as being written to a lover who has abandoned the writer in her time of need.  It's easy to see it that way, especially given the last stanza.  However, when looking at the description for the YouTube video, it says "This is a song Kathrin [Shorr, one of the members of Sweet Talk Radio] wrote to her 'better self' when she didn't show up."  While it seems like my initial reading of the lyrics is completely off, in my mind, it isn't.

This "better self" is our most authentic self.  One which one of my yoga teachers constantly refers to.  (Actually he refers to it as the "highest self" but it's pretty much the same thing.)  This "self" is the one that wants what is best for us.  It wants us to act in ways that are beneficial for us and for those around us.  And this self is not at all unlike God.   

When we screw up, or feel like we have screwed up, it's easy to get mad at ourselves.  It's easy to start thinking the worst: "How could I be like this?", "What's wrong with me?", "No one could ever be as fucked up as I am", "Who would want me like this?", etc.  I've said these very things to myself, over and over and over, until I developed a well worn path of self loathing. This, of course, makes it that much harder for that authentic self to show up, and then we get mad when it doesn't.  Complete contradictory nonsense.  And yet, it makes perfect sense.  Go figure.

When things go wrong, when we screw up (or, again, feel as if we have), it's easy to get mad at God.  "Why didn't you stop me when I had the time?", "Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?", "Why did you bring that person into my life for no good reason?", "Why can't you stop this pain I'm feeling now?", etc. ad nauseum.  I've asked these questions, too.  And, not unlike the authentic self, the presence that I find in the midst of these questions is supremely and utterly patient.  It understands the pain, suffering, self loathing, self hatred, and knows that it's only temporary, even while simultaneously knowing that it doesn't feel that way to us.  It's there to hear our questions, our anger, our fear, and somehow pulls us through to the next stage, if we let it.  

I honestly don't remember where I was going with this whole entry.  I start out with a brilliant idea in my head, and then try to get it all down on paper, and find that in the midst of writing, I've lost certain pieces.  Sometimes I'll stop, telling myself I'm just going to take a break and recoup, hoping that I'll get back what I started to lose.  It usually never works out that way.  So, then I have a decision to make: take a new approach or abandon the piece altogether.  Either way, it never turns out how I wanted it to be.  The eternal struggle of the artist.

So where was I?  Oh yeah...better self, God, struggle, blah blah blah.  This song touched me.  I identified with it, mostly because I thought it was about God, but it fits in with what I'm going through now, too.  I'm searching for that authentic self, and trying not to be afraid to let her show up when I feel her close by.  Sometimes I push her away because her ways aren't what I'm used to.  And then I end up back in that place, "Where were you when I needed you most?"  So I guess this is my theme song for when I screw up, not as a way to wallow---but as a way to realize that this is my constant struggle, and not to shy away from it.  And I hope, in the end, it'll make me a stronger person.